From the January Esquire:

What I've Learned

Heather
Locklear

[Actress, 41, Los Angeles]

You can't keep changing men, so you settle for changing your lipstick.
The older you get, the farther from the camera you need to be.
Sex appeal is not on purpose.
Anybody can say she's an actress. It's another thing to get a job.
With a parent, it's always guilt. You want to be there, but you kind of also want to be here.
If you don't want to do something, you should say, "I don't want to do it."
One man is not enough.
You have to be very careful with women friends.
If you don't know it by now, you never will.
You just have to forgive them for being men.
Keep it simple, stupid.
I don't date rock 'n' rollers. I just marry them.
Fans of mine, if they watched T. J. Hooker or Spin City, they're fans of Heather Locklear. If they call me Sammy Jo or Amanda, they're fans of the show.
It's more fun to be bad than to be good.
Women who are in book clubs are really just there for the alcohol.
Being blond makes you stand out.
Fathers get softer as they get older.
Mothers: No matter what, you'll never be appreciated.
Men: The bigger the better. Do I dare say that?
Being unselfish is not as much fun as being selfish.
I love makeup. It covers everything.
Better to have longevity than to be a flash in the pan.
People confess to make themselves feel better. It's not for the other person.
What I know about heaven is that it's not here.
Bedding is important. So are hair products.
There is no such thing as a closet that's too big, no such thing as too many shoes.
Apparently, guitars are more valuable than shoes.
Weights firm you faster.
Not working is underrated.
The less jewelry, the better the marriage.
I love being in my pajamas.
If you didn't have parents, who would you blame?
It takes too long to get back in shape.
It seems like everyone can wear low-cut jeans. Or maybe they just do. There's an appeal to a fleshier woman who looks good like that—or thinks she does, anyway.
Flowers? I'll tell you what I've learned about flowers. They're sticky when they're on your nipple. I'll tell you why I say that. On ABC they don't like you to have nipples. But every time we'd do a Spin City, they'd have to keep it very cold because there's an audience and they have to keep the audience awake. Well, if the audience is cold, imagine a woman. They have these flowers now, they are shaped like flowers with sticky on the back. And you stick them on.
In television, once you consummate the relationship, there's nothing to look forward to.
The truth always comes out.
There doesn't need to be a Heather Locklear show.

INTERVIEWED BY MIKE SAGER // Photograph by Stephen Danelian


There doesn't need to be a Heather Locklear show. But there is a need for a show with Heather Locklear.


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